5 EFFECTS OF AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE ON THE CHILDREN- MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE!!!

Do you think you are old?
April 30, 2014
How To Deal With Abusive Relationship (Part 1)
November 29, 2014

5 EFFECTS OF AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE ON THE CHILDREN- MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE!!!

It is no longer news to hear or read about a woman in an abusive relationship. Everywhere one turns to, there is at least one person ‘speaking’ in hushed tones, about someone they know going through a traumatic relationship.

I have also observed that in the case where there are children in the relationship, not much focus is given to the children and the effect that situation could also have on them.

Having grown up in that kind of atmosphere, I have chosen to share my personal experience for three reasons:

  • To caution parties in an abusive relationship that they are hurting their children more than the party they intended.
  • To advise the woman/man in an abusive relationship to seek help and fast too.
  • That the unmarried should weigh their options well. They should not ignore the warning signs of possible abuse in their choice before they marry that man/lady.

I grew up in a home where I watched my mother beaten physically and I must tell you it wasn’t a pretty sight. I probably didn’t understand much when I was younger but as a teenager,  I watched in fear that my father would eventually beat my mother to death. On the days he didn’t strike her physically, he used heavy words that were capable of making any woman commit suicide.  It is over 35 years after and I still remember some of the words so clearly like it was yesterday.

As young as I was at that time, I wondered why my mother hung on to such a life.

I remember a particular time he stripped her naked and chased her out of the house and I watched our neighbour clothe her.

What I didn’t understand then. .well and even now, was that she would return to beg him to take her back. She was counselled by everyone around during her to keep taking the beatings and ensure more for her ‘children’s sake’ whatever that meant.

There was the day he beat her so badly that my younger sister had to stand between them to prevent him from stabbing her with the knife he wielded. I stood by watching if he was finally going to kill her that day.

Finally, after one more beating that looked like my mother would eventually die, he sent her packing for the umpteen time and this time my grandfather did not allow her to return to live with my father any longer and that was the end to the nightmare.

An end to the physical assault on my mother but that period had left a terrible mark on my life and I will like to share some with you.

  1. I BECAME A SKILFUL LIAR.

In my secondary school days, all my friends had their families together and they seemed to have lovely stories about their parents. Since my story couldn’t be shared, I made up stories that my family was just as perfect as theirs.

If I heard any of my friends talk about a gift her father got for her mother,  I came back with a story of a much better gift my mother got.

I remember once being asked why my mother chosed to see me in school when I would still go home to meet her, and since I couldn’t tell my friends my parents were separated, I lied about my mother being transferred to a far place and that she only stopped by to see me on the way from/to the airport -stupid lies that probably didn’t add up.

Oh I lied!!!! I lied so much that I started believing the lies I told. I lied about the imaginary holidays we took as a family. I lied about my father putting me on his laps while my mother read stories to me.

I remember one of my friends telling us about how her father shouted at her mom and her mom burst into tears and the father also crying, hugged her and promised he would never do that again. I lied about my father never raising his voice at my mother.

Oh, and when my mother was sent packing, I lied more. I lied about being in school when I hardly attended classes. I spent more time out of home than being there so I lied to my father about where I had been to save myself from being beaten. Since I knew when my father would be home from work, I could go out and be back home just before he returned.

He gave us strict instructions never to see my mother ever again; so I lied about never seeing her even when I saw her at a side street every morning on my way to school as she always brought breakfast for my sisters and I before she made her way to her work place.

After a while, the lies just became a part of me.

 

 

  1. I SOUGHT FOR VALIDATION EVERYWHERE AND ANYHOW.

I looked for love and peace outside home. I would rather hang out with my friends than stay at home. I remember so vividly one of the homes I used to visit  and how I would wish I could live with them forever.

It was easier to wander around after my mother left.

I got more into my friends, male and female.

I was desperate to have someone love me more than my father loved my mother. I hoped in my young messed up mind that some guy would just come and marry me so I could get out of the house of horror.

I craved for compliments from people to clear my head of all the abusive words my father used to say to my mother. I lapped up compliments like a cat would do to milk.

Many took advantage of my desperation. Female ‘happening’ girls who knew I wanted to ‘belong’ made me their errand girl.

My self esteem was lower than zero.

I didn’t think I could amount to much in life because compliments were scarce and so I didn’t think much of ME. I wanted to disabuse my mind from the fear that all men were like my father, so even as a teenager, I ‘loved’ any male who as much as looked at me twice.

  1. I GREW RESENTFUL

I  felt resentment towards my father and men generally.

I was resentful of my mother for marrying my father and getting herself and me into such rot and bringing me into the world to experience the rot.

As I grew older and got my fingers burnt in my foolish quests, I got more resentful.

I started  seeing all males as being the same as my father.

At a point in my life, I vowed I would never get married.  I decided I would have two children but for different men (married or single), so that neither of them would have a hold  over me. I believed that in doing that, the fathers of my children would see themselves as rivals and so if anyone would get beaten it would be the fathers of my children slugging it out with one another.

I pause from my story to share this. There was this 5 year old boy in a school where I worked. The class teacher reported to me  that he was in the habit of talking down at the girls in his class and that each time she corrected him, he looked at the teacher with a scornful expression on his face. When I called him to my office, the 5 year old recounted to me that he is acting like his father. He said that is how his father talks to his mother. He went on to add that his father had warned him “never to take any rubbish from a woman”.

The boy at age 5 had grown resentful. …. shows it is not just female children that suffer in an abusive relationship.

  1. I LOST FOCUS.

Schools or studying was the last thing on my mind.

I was either daydreaming in class or would just skip classes. Of  course I repeated in my 3rd form in secondary school. Since there was no one to ensure that I prepared adequately for my final exam, I flunked badly. I remember my mother would try to look through my school notes with me while standing on a side street and I would  steal glances over our shoulders to ensure that my father did not catch us.  I’m sure you agree with me we couldn’t have achieved much in such circumstances.

  1. I CONCLUDED THAT GOD DID NOT EXIST.

In the midst of all this, my mother’s favourite hymn was “Let Us With A Gladsome Mind…”

Men!!!!! Praise who???????

How could a loving God stand by and watch a woman plummeted and not strike the man with thunder?

How could a loving God have allowed her to marry him in the first place?

How could? How could?????

Oh no! I just  couldn’t praise God for anything because there  wasn’t anything good about my life/family.

How did I end up eventually? How did I end up where I am today?  That’s story for another day.

Do you know  anyone in an abusive relationship?

Do you personally relate with any of these?

Would you like me to share your story on this platform? You may  chose to write under a pseudonym.  Please send me an email.

Your story could help save a marriage, a life or more.

Please feel free to leave your comments.

 

This will be concluded in the next post. I will like to hear your comments before then. Please feel free to share this on all your social media platforms until everyone in an abusive relationship gets this.

24 Comments

  1. Dayo Oluwasanmi says:

    Dear Sis
    Thank you for your article and openness. I’m currently going through some form of personal ghosts exorcism. I am bolder by your article to deal with them.
    Maybe I will just write them out and send to you. It will certainly bring a lot of emotional healing for me.
    Again, thanks so much for what you have just done. God bless you.

  2. Sikeade Adetu says:

    I pray more youth will be on this forum and learn from it. Thanks big sis.

  3. Aboyeji Yemi says:

    Thank you ma’am for this insightful post. I recall you telling me this story before when i came with my many complaints. I remember i left your presence that day with a strong determination to be a happy woman regardless of my present predicament. Please, I will love to read more of your post, Do not let this dream die cos these are some of the words we read that makes us hang on. God bless you real good!

  4. OyindamolaMuyiwa Ojekunle says:

    Well said. Thanks sis for sharing. Broken home,broken marriage the kids bears the brunt. Have also passed through this road. I tell my kids if you don’t have anything to thank God for thank God for the loving parent God has given you. And I personally thank God for my understanding hubby. Becos of background I can be very bad with words when am angry. Hmmmm. God bless you sis.

  5. Adenike says:

    Hmmm.. This is deep ma! Your oil of wisdom shall never run dry iJN.

  6. Charity says:

    thank you ma for sharing this. So thoughtful of you. I will encourage some youths going through same challenge to read this. Thanks once again for this write-up, am touched.

  7. Omowunmi says:

    Thank you Ore mi for sharing. Thank God for His Grace!

  8. Shade Oyebode says:

    Ore, I was there too! One of the reasons i married a little late but i thank God for his mercies.

    One of my siblings was seriously affected by the experiences we went through. Still battling with it but God is God!

    The effect of a broken home affect the children most. Our youth should not go into marriage with their eyes closed. “watch and pray”.

  9. Thank you for sharing this message with us.
    I have always known that a broken home will always lead to the birth of broken children.
    The question now is, will any couple that is currently being affected subscribe to the fact that they need help and the needs to seek counsel?
    I hope that this platform will create the necessary awakening for anyone involved to see a need to think beyond themselves when making crucial decision in their respective marriages.
    I pray that; The almighty God bless you beyond measures as i look forward to more soul enriching admonitions.
    Thanks again.

  10. Segi says:

    Thanks Sis for sharing real life issues and we bless God for Christ in your life. Truly, the long lasting impression/ impact on the children is enormous and it takes God to wipe it away . Reading your piece definitely brings hope and encouragement
    More grace !!

  11. Yemi Faseun says:

    For those of us who know you now at close range, safe to conclude that the grace is God is so amazing!

  12. Veronica Boye says:

    Hmmm. We need to talk.
    thinking back now at some children from broken relationships that I have around me now I can now tell why these children fall victims to people who appear to love or care for them but dont. They obviosly seek for love from any who is ready to fill in the gap. Unfortunately, some end up miserable and dont ever think of marriage. Reading this gives me hope of giving a helping hand.

  13. Thanks for sharing your experience. I will suggest more emphasis on Pre marital Counselling and counseling in between marriage, at least every year for the first five years.

    In Most cases, an abused child turns out to be a damaged adult. We need to encourage the children we are working with to speak out on issues bothering them at home and counseled them appropriately.

    I pray that homes going through unrest now, the HolySpirit will intervene. Because these homes are damaging the destiny of our future leaders. God bless you ma’am.

  14. Bunmi Dawodu says:

    SisB I wept after reading ur writeup I couldn’t believe all this happened to u even though we lived in d same house I never new mummy kekeri went though that I thought it was only my mum.sisB am happy I never judge people or their character but I never knewn all dad’s behaviour had such effect on u its like its some one else am reading her life experience.but one thing I know n still say about you is that u have love,u are warm and very caring honestly sisB.

  15. Kemi says:

    Sweetheart, I praise God for your life and for where you are today. Thank you for reaching out to others. God bless you

  16. Folashade koiku says:

    Lovely page my beautiful sister
    The effect of an abusive marriage can not be over emphasized
    I love this page madam, it’s a blessing and an eye opener to many!
    Educative, pls keep the good work!!!

  17. Morenike Selem - Umar says:

    Bisi, honestly you are an enigma. You are a blessing to this generation. God has inexplicable reasons for making people go through different experiences in their lifetime. Well, the reason in your case, is glaring for all to see. God loved you even all through your pains , for even during our younger days, you reflected His love and beauty. Continue to bask in His glory.

  18. Yemi Ibrahim says:

    My Big Sis, reading this piece over and over again clearly shows why your favourite quote is “I AM A DEBTOR OF GRACE”. Indeed its an amazing grace, having tread this path and what you stand for today; only His grace could have kept you. This should be shared on all possible platforms, someone out there surely need to know that despite all odds, HE GIVES JOY TO THE HOPELESS, PEACE TO THE WEARY, AND HE BINDS UP THE BROKEN HEARTED! Thank you for sharing this ma.

  19. Yemisi Alabi says:

    I bless the Lord for your life and using you to reveal true life experiences. It is my prayer that the Lord will heal homes through this medium in Jesus name.well done and Thank you

  20. Yemi says:

    What a read!!!. It takes boldness to come out and share these experiences. But look at us now. God knew those things would have to happen to make us who we are now and choose wisely our life partners. I really thank God for your life and the testimonies that abound. All in all, we need to counsel those in abusive relationships and those yet to marry. If a man starts talking down on his wife to be or hits her ,he will definitely do worst than that after they are married. There are pointers to these abusive relationships, but they are usually ignored. Thanks for this powerful write up Bisi. Shalom.

  21. Yvonne says:

    Thanks for sharing this as I too grew up in an abusive home. Well mine affected me differently as I vowed not to put myself in such a vulnerable situation as to let a man undermine me. My sister it took the grace of God to let anyone come close to me as I built a wall around my heart, I refused to let anyone close and gained the nick name in uni as the ice princess. Abuse affects everyone one way or the other, the earlier we start to face it in this society the better for all of us. People should know that it is unacceptable and inexcusable.

  22. Bukola says:

    Hmmm. Thank you ma. for this piece. I need to talk with you. Am currently going through terrible abuse in my marriage and I don’t want my kids to be victims. How do I get you via mail or phone?

  23. Irene says:

    God bless you for being so willing and ready to be vulnerable. Your openness in sharing your story makes it so inspiring and touches the heart. I am persuaded that many will find light at the end of the tunnel reading your story.
    May the Lord continue to prosper your ministry as you seek to touch lives for good. Grace and blessings to you.

  24. Itohan Osayi says:

    I am happy you have achieved the purpose of God bringing you into this world through this beautiful home. His purpose is for you to heal homes, wounded “mothers” and young mislead youth from your experience. That was the only reason “Baba” behaved in such manner. Only such dirty attitude will bring out a shining you like we have today.
    My prayer is for more women perishing in silence in such homes to speak up… We are to tolerate each other in an atmosphere of peace and love not the other way-round. God bless and increase your ministry.

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